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This blog is simply about me, my personal journey through this recent medical issue. I'd like to keep people aware in a general way and I'm fortunate enough to have a lot of people who care to know what's going on. Nothing specifically to do with photography (though I'm hosting it here on this site for convenience) except that I love photography and photography has been a large part of how I relate to the world and other humans over the years. I imagine there will be photos included at some point.
The Variable Experience of Recovery / HealingToday courier. Why? I don't really know. I felt like doing something different. That's enough of a reason sometimes. Today has been a little more trying so far - it's only about noon, so things still have plenty of time to change, get better, get worse. In fact, it's likely that they will change, maybe impossible that they won't. Actually impossible that they won't. If I tried my very hardest, I could not maintain the exact state I am in right now. I'm experiencing more discomfort in small ways today. Aches and pains. Things that hurt before, but now seem like they carry more gravitas, more weight. The voice of anxiety feels vindicated for all those decades of irritation / torture / constant chatter. It's difficult to maintain perspective. Lots of unknown. Lots of acceptance work, really. In any event, physically I feel pretty much the same as I did yesterday. My L hip continues to bother me now - it feels like the way it's bothered me in the past years, but who knows? I will be glad to visit the doctor's tomorrow to hopefully get some more clarification and reassurance. I had a nice Father's Day morning treat, visiting Lavender & Honey with Sarah and Arlo and receiving some really nice cards from them. Brown Sugar iced latte & a Kouign Aman (however you spell it). Now I'm working on the 3d design and print of some feet for a little toolbox I bought at Harbor Freight a while back. The stick on feet stink so I'm working on some sturdier ones that will sort of clip on. "Rule 8 Don't try to create and analyze at the same time. They're different processes." So I'll keep trying to make. "Enjoy every sandwich"I heard that from Warren Zevon on a David Letterman interview he did on one of (or his last) visit to the show. It feels like the proper amount of humor and significance to me. I have been feeling that the last few days. Things are still unknown. Body feels pretty much the same today as yesterday. Lungs still slightly congested, leg still slightly swollen. My L hip is bugging me - feels like the tightness, soreness, strain I've felt many times in the past in that joint (vs. something more worrisome and new. That's positive, I suppose. Still, not that fun to have that discomfort and be afraid to work on it / stretch / mobilize too much. Still taking it very easy on my body in general (and will be for some days now). I did spend some time today doing leatherwork - making a small gift for a neighborhood kid who just graduated high school. Nice to do things like that for a lot of reasons. I like being able to celebrate someone's accomplishment; I enjoy leatherwork; I am grateful for the fact that I'm able to do that today, sitting in my garage, enjoying the really nice weather we're having. Though I don't know that I'll have any sandwiches specifically today, the sentiment stands. Gentleness, Humor, Love, Respect. Friday the 19thNot a ton to relate this morning. Physically, I feel the same, pretty much. The only thing I'm noticing is the increased anxiety about various aches and pains. Aches and pains that would have seemed (and been) normal a week ago, two weeks ago, 6 months ago, now feel like there's increased weight to them. The symptoms aren't the same as the clot, all measurable vitals are totally fine, but still… that niggling voice in my head chatters away sometimes. "What if…" RAIN… Tara Brach. Recognize, Allow, Investigate, Nurture. A good way to approach those thoughts that are trying to keep me safe from the unknown, unknowable, uncontrollable in a less-than-helpful way. I went to CostCo this morning - nothing terribly significant about that, but I think I did have a small amount more appreciation for the nice bakery smell in there. It's a sort of mix of all the fresh pastry / cake stuff they put out first thing. Nice to experience that, though it sure did make me want to buy things. I didn't choose any of the things available, but was curious about the hazelnut beignets today. Maybe another time. Today will be for finishing up one last photo editing job, moving along some photo equipment, and maybe some Making. Onward. theDayAfterI'm home from the hospital. Survived the first night at home away from the safety and security of intense monitoring. Anxiety is rampant, medication is being used. Feelings are all over the place - up and down - appreciation. Not much of the "why me?" or blame right now, which is positive. Worry, dread. Gratitude for the friends I have and how many people contacted me back. Having so many good people in my corner also brought my awareness out to how many people in my life have really had truly serious medical issues at/around my age, younger, & older. Those facts reassure me and let me know I am not alone in the general situation, even if the details are different. Follow up appointments are made, medication is set and clear, what to avoid is clear. Pulse ox tool was ordered and is being used for my own reassurance. All in all, I am doing what I can. Thank goodness for family, friends, recovery and all the doctors and nurses that helped me out, that chose a job that allowed me to be in the same place as them when I really needed that specific help. With gentleness, humor, love, & respect, Kevin
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