"We get guilt feelings when we stand up for ourselves instead of giving in to others." is one of the traits from the 12 step program I work. The thing about 12 step programs… sometimes things are worded in a particular way that doesn't exactly click for me. Yes, sometimes the guilt feelings come from standing up to people, but this makes it sound like it's a bully vs. victim thing, to my ear. I think how I would word it today is "I get guilt feelings when I follow my own instincts about what I need instead of following what I imagine others think I SHOULD be doing." Not exactly the same, is it? But the guilt feelings still arise.

"Where from?" & "Why?" are some questions that arise for me noticing this tendency. There is something built in for me (and perhaps for others - not my place to say) about resting and or making decisions not to do things when I don't feel well. Be that physically, mentally, emotionally or spiritually. I was thinking about it this morning while journaling. Why is it so tough to say "no" and explain why and feel OK about it? I should add "not always" to that. It's not always so tricky. But some days it is. Today it is.

I've been taking the medication that is working to help my body dissolve the blood clots for 12 days now. Out of an estimated 3 to 6 months minimum. That's about 12% of the low end estimate of the medication time. I was given the estimate of 1 month before the clots would provably mostly be dissolved. And yet, that internal voice with the "Should"s…"You should be well enough to get back to normal." "You should be doing what other people want and need you to do [even though you're imagining what that is, not asking them and listening]". The mind's a complicated place sometimes. Trying to keep me safe and "safe."

Slow is smooth, smooth is fast.

This morning I got back down to the ocean after grabbing a coffee to journal. I hadn't done that since the day before I went into the hospital / urgent care / er. Interesting, seeing the entry from the day before - actually complaining about my leg in there - then being back there. Ten days between the entries. I don't necessarily journal every day, but it seems to be a nice way to start things off, in addition to being next to the ocean. That always makes me feel a certain way - unconstrained, maybe? Having that much open space with no (or very few people) seems to suit me. There was a heavy marine layer, slate colored ocean, small-ish waves, and some surfers out. One thing that came to me as I was sitting there, even though things looked mostly gray, if I sat and looked where the waves were rising and breaking, blues & greens of sorts in there. I just had to sit and watch for a spell. Seems like a good thing to notice.

Be well.

Yesterday, I pushed myself a little too much, I think. In addition to the follow-up doctor's visit on Monday, I also received the latest COVID vaccine. While I don't usually have too much reaction from the vaccines, this one made my arm super sore and I think I was a bit run down from it. Today I feel better, but I'm making a concerted effort to move slower. I want to forget all this, to move on, to be back to "normal." I don't know quite what that will look like in the future, but for today, I sorta gotta sit in this existing situation. Trying to push it away didn't work yesterday. Today I'll move slower, pay more attention, just listen more in general, I think. On the plus side, I did have a good experience with the short meditation I try to do daily (but maybe hit 3 times a week). Heart rate slowed, down, felt less reactive, less scattered, less drive / push / pull from the various emotions that arise.