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This blog is simply about me, my personal journey through this recent medical issue. I'd like to keep people aware in a general way and I'm fortunate enough to have a lot of people who care to know what's going on. Nothing specifically to do with photography (though I'm hosting it here on this site for convenience) except that I love photography and photography has been a large part of how I relate to the world and other humans over the years. I imagine there will be photos included at some point.
Stagnant or Back-Sliding?I'm probably not stagnated in my progress, or back-sliding. Today it feels a bit like that. I think something in what I was doing (struggling with) today shifted my mood. I don't have as much resilience in trying things that I am very much NOT good at (painting). In addition, I ran into the same issue I've run into many times before: "I'll just purchase my way out of this inexperience." Bought a new cordless paint sprayer. Admittedly, it's nicer to not have a cord dragging around trying to trip me, but I sort of thought it would be a different using experience than the other one I had (which was less than half the cost). I still have that one, btw, just figured I would upgrade and get better results. Nah. Same shitty paint jobs as always. I just don't hardly do any painting, honestly. And, the problem I forgot about with the sprayers is the clean up. If you're going to start up and paint for hours, probably worth it. To paint for 20 minutes, then have to clean the dang thing… well, not sure about that. I doubt in the end I have a better result than I would have with the rollers that I have - even doing things by hand. That whole experience was quite discouraging; I got tired, hungry and thirsty; I got really frustrated and started to fall back to old, ingrained, unhelpful patterns of behavior towards myself. After lunch and some anxiety medication (more related to the damned fireworks than the painting), I am starting to feel better. I'm still having to scale back, rein myself in, do less. I keep wanting to do more, having the feeling that I'm running out of time… something. I don't think it's really a mortality-realization thing, more like I stayed at home to rest and recuperate, but I should also be accomplishing all these things while I'm without distractions and responsibilities. Just a lot of "tsk tsk" inner-critical-parent talk. I am also experiencing feelings of sadness, feeling bummed out about the slow progress with the lungs and leg, biting off more than I can chew (literally - I may have bought a bunch of food to cook up that I can neither cook in time nor eat), etc. Maybe try sitting with that a trying to RAIN (recognize, allow, investigate, nurture). Then just do what feels right to do without worry about the 7 other things I "should" be doing. Allow that I must be slower right now for health reasons. It's the whole purpose for staying back from the lovely yearly Seattle trip. Trying for gentleness & respect at the moment… Less than everything is not the same as nothingThis morning, while I was journaling, I made a list of the things I wanted to do today. I was trying to sit with feelings and relate to them, but the mess of things scurrying around in my brain was a little too distracting. Putting those things down on paper helped get them out of my active mind. Along with doing that, I did need to state in writing that I'm allowed to change the list, amend the list, delete off the list, or disregard the list. The point of the list is not to say "I MUST DO THESE THINGS TODAY OR IT'S NOT A SUCCESSFUL DAY!" That is not what I consciously think, but it's running around in my unconscious mind, ready to pop up here or there to say "I am not enough" or "I did not accomplish enough today". Usually it's "Wow… you had a whole day and you did NOTHING." [the great fallacy of black and white thinking] BUT, less than everything on the list is not nothing. Those two phrases are not equivalent. Acknowledging those fears / thoughts has helped me feel better, which has actually helped get through more things on the list. AND, it has helped me to enjoy the doing of them. The action; the process; NOT the result (not the list). Regarding the clots and my treatment, I'm doing about the same. Started my 3rd week of Xarelto this morning. Progress, I suppose. I'm not too concerned about getting "through" since right now, the prescription is indefinite, but in 1 more week, I move to a different, slightly lower dose. Fingers crossed for all of that. Onward. Even if you don't find what you're looking for
Today we went in search of blue butterflies down at Dockweiler Beach. None of those fluttering around today, but there's still so much to see, even in a small stretch of environment. Just gotta slow down and take it in. Good News, But Sort of UnsatisfyingYesterday I had the appointment with the hematologist. It went very smoothly. Time was good, no extra waiting, etc. I didn't really get a lot of new information, but did get things confirmed a bit more. The cause of the blood clot(s) is still "unprovoked." So, on one hand, no genetic things to worry about, no other tests required (other than the normal ones I'd get from my primary care physician on a yearly basis), and no particular behavioral changes required on my part. The unsatisfying part is, at least for now, an indefinite / lifetime use of the blood thinner I'm currently taking. I don't relish the idea of indefinitely taking medication, but it is better than the alternative of getting more clots. I suppose another part of that is not knowing the cause, I don't feel as confident as all the doctors that this medicine will take care of the problem. I did ask that question directly and they were pretty solid about it - multiple doctors. I do feel I can trust them and conduct myself according to that assessment. BUT, it's just not as satisfying and doesn't feel as safe as knowing "THIS is what caused things so you can avoid it completely in the future." It's also a little disconcerting because there aren't really scans / tests that can be done to make sure things are good - it's based on my own measure of whether there's something wrong. That doesn't jive well with my history of body-anxiety and hyper-vigilance. I've found myself irritated at the seeming lack of curiosity in all the doctors. It's definitely come off to me as, "Well, you have this issue that this medicine fixes, so who cares why it happened?" I doubt that's the actual attitude they're feeling (or least the entirety of the attitude). More "probably" and "we don't know" than I wanted to hear at the "resolution" of this thing. What do things look like from here on out? I guess pretty much how they were, but with extra care paid towards not cutting myself / bashing into things given the lowered clotting ability. I intend to get some sort of maintenance on my left hip - I've gotta do something to improve things there (impingement & flexibility). I could stand to stay more hydrated - that definitely won't hurt. And, I can be more conscientious about how I sit and stand for baseball photography. Bottom line, though, there's just no real hard and fast answers or guarantees. That's annoying and unsatisfying to me, but it is how things go - maybe more often than we might think from popular ideas about how things go in the ER / doctor's offices. "Life lessons" I suppose. At least it wasn't distinctly bad news, though. I do appreciate that. Fingers crossed for the next 3 to 6 months that things continue improving and feeling more stable. Onward. Bumping Up Against the WallThis morning, I'm starting to think more about the nuts and bolts of physical recovery. Yesterday, my leg was a little more irritated and swollen than some days. I spent more time on my feet doing various things. It feels good to be productive, but feels bad to see my limb more swollen than some other days. Nothing extreme, out of the ordinary or dangerous - just a visual, tactile indication of pushing myself a bit. Maybe a bit too much. That's a common theme for me here and in other circumstances. Particularly with physical things - I've definitely had lots of small experiences over the course of my exercise career where I didn't really listen to or have much of a conversation with my body or different parts of my body. Perhaps a part of this experience is trying to figure out how to better do that. I have learned a lot over the years about listening to my heart / mind / emotions, particularly in how that relates to anxiety. I wish it didn't take something unpleasant and significant to make some sort of change in process. It doesn't always. Bumping up against the edge is a normal instinct, I suppose. If I stayed far away from it, I'd miss out on things that way too. There's nothing particularly revelatory about talking about balance and finding it, which is really what I'm doing here. As far as leg-related specifics, I think I'm going to try and start doing some sort of gentler yoga practices. Try to work back into physical movement that way without putting too much strain on the system. I also need to figure out how to re-mobilize my left hip that's been out of sorts for years and years. Though the doctor made a strange analogy when I asked him, I don't think it helps my circulation to have a janky, half-frozen-up hip joint in my left leg. We'll see how that leg goes, or maybe I'll bump up against another wall. |
