I was in a very negative head space several days ago, and I feel significantly better today. Some of it is doing things that help - I remade a cherry pie recipe that really did not work out the first time with success the second, I turned a little bowl (which I hadn't done in quite a while), and I listened to a couple things. Specifically, this podcast of Tara Brach's  : https://overcast.fm/+ABTYEjMndiY. The Dance with Pain. She speaks about the concept of the second arrow, which definitely produces more suffering and most certainly applied to my feelings a couple days ago. Also listening to Jeff Warren (wherever he may be found) is helpful to me. Just the idea that, "Yeah. That happens. It is OK." Impermanence - anitya. No matter if I want something to stay exactly as it is, or if I'm striving for it to be anything but, everything will change as time goes by. Thank goodness.

Be well.

I am struggling again today. Less so with anxiety than with the sort of depressed powerlessness that arises sometimes. I did my best in taking the anti-clot medication as prescribed - I was super diligent (and continue to be) about taking it on time and regularly. Missed zero doses. What I failed to realize (to what effect I don't know) is that you MUST take it during a meal. Like, ideally, while eating or immediately after. I assumed (incorrectly) that this was because it could upset the stomach (I did read something about this as well). What I missed was that it's 35% to 75% more effective when taken properly with food because of the way digestion works and the necessary way it needs to be broken down in the stomach (something to do with the amount of stomach acid, I think). I didn't ignore this fact or advice, I just didn't see it on the information sheet and though the doctor's said (sometimes) to take it with a meal, there wasn't any explanation why. Should they have to say why? No, probably not. I probably should have just freaking listened and followed directions (even though I don't typically eat breakfast) It does help a patient keep important things in their mind if doctors explain the "why."

My neck / trapezius are still kinked up from something… maybe painting, maybe stress? Painting seems like it could have done something. I don't think it's from exercising Tuesday, but that's a possibility as well. The internal voices telling my I don't do anything properly, that I mess everything up are so loud sometimes - today they are really yammering away. Irritatingly, the voices that are telling me about the things I didn't mess up are nowhere to be found, or are drowned out because they're of a normal volume (or particularly quiet) today.

There are many parts of this journey that I have no control over. I'm angry, frustrated, disappointed, embarrassed that I fucked up one of the few areas that I do have control - when I take the medicine. I don't know what to do at this point - probably send in a question about it to see if there's anything I need to adapt given that I might not have had the fully effective dosage for the last 3 weeks (I did take SOME of the doses with food, just not all). I guess I since I haven't keeled over from a stroke or more serious embolism yet, I didn't mess up critically. I am still very disappointed in myself. I've wasted so much time and energy over the years on being organized with things that don't really matter; it really sucks being in this position with my health and NOT coming through for myself when it really did matter.

I am experiencing large anxiety today. My mind is really putting in the effort trying to spiral out of control into a full panic attack. It's a very frustrating and frightening place to be in, especially given the effort and time I've put in trying to move in a different direction, acknowledge whatever issues are happening, take care of myself in the proper way. Today it really seems like none of that is working at all. I'm finding myself in the loop of distrust today as well - regarding my own senses and medical process in general (specifically medication). I'm really starting to doubt that the medicine is working. Why today and not yesterday? I don't know. My leg is still swelling & I have no idea when that is really supposed to stop, or if it is. I thought it would, but so many things are just sort of shrugs and "We'll see"s in the medical area. No doctors I've spoken with are in doubt that the medicine works… I guess I am looking for proof that isn't there, that will never be there, maybe. It's really disheartening to have spent the past 20 years trying to convince myself I was fine, only to discover that I'm really not. And trying to believe that what I'm doing now is going to correct this issue is also a tough pill to swallow today.

I'm trying to remember that today is a struggle and tomorrow could be (and likely will be) something different, but it sucks today.