I am struggling again today. Less so with anxiety than with the sort of depressed powerlessness that arises sometimes. I did my best in taking the anti-clot medication as prescribed - I was super diligent (and continue to be) about taking it on time and regularly. Missed zero doses. What I failed to realize (to what effect I don't know) is that you MUST take it during a meal. Like, ideally, while eating or immediately after. I assumed (incorrectly) that this was because it could upset the stomach (I did read something about this as well). What I missed was that it's 35% to 75% more effective when taken properly with food because of the way digestion works and the necessary way it needs to be broken down in the stomach (something to do with the amount of stomach acid, I think). I didn't ignore this fact or advice, I just didn't see it on the information sheet and though the doctor's said (sometimes) to take it with a meal, there wasn't any explanation why. Should they have to say why? No, probably not. I probably should have just freaking listened and followed directions (even though I don't typically eat breakfast) It does help a patient keep important things in their mind if doctors explain the "why."

My neck / trapezius are still kinked up from something… maybe painting, maybe stress? Painting seems like it could have done something. I don't think it's from exercising Tuesday, but that's a possibility as well. The internal voices telling my I don't do anything properly, that I mess everything up are so loud sometimes - today they are really yammering away. Irritatingly, the voices that are telling me about the things I didn't mess up are nowhere to be found, or are drowned out because they're of a normal volume (or particularly quiet) today.

There are many parts of this journey that I have no control over. I'm angry, frustrated, disappointed, embarrassed that I fucked up one of the few areas that I do have control - when I take the medicine. I don't know what to do at this point - probably send in a question about it to see if there's anything I need to adapt given that I might not have had the fully effective dosage for the last 3 weeks (I did take SOME of the doses with food, just not all). I guess I since I haven't keeled over from a stroke or more serious embolism yet, I didn't mess up critically. I am still very disappointed in myself. I've wasted so much time and energy over the years on being organized with things that don't really matter; it really sucks being in this position with my health and NOT coming through for myself when it really did matter.