I'm probably not stagnated in my progress, or back-sliding. Today it feels a bit like that. I think something in what I was doing (struggling with) today shifted my mood. I don't have as much resilience in trying things that I am very much NOT good at (painting). In addition, I ran into the same issue I've run into many times before: "I'll just purchase my way out of this inexperience." Bought a new cordless paint sprayer. Admittedly, it's nicer to not have a cord dragging around trying to trip me, but I sort of thought it would be a different using experience than the other one I had (which was less than half the cost). I still have that one, btw, just figured I would upgrade and get better results. Nah. Same shitty paint jobs as always. I just don't hardly do any painting, honestly. And, the problem I forgot about with the sprayers is the clean up. If you're going to start up and paint for hours, probably worth it. To paint for 20 minutes, then have to clean the dang thing… well, not sure about that. I doubt in the end I have a better result than I would have with the rollers that I have - even doing things by hand. That whole experience was quite discouraging; I got tired, hungry and thirsty; I got really frustrated and started to fall back to old, ingrained, unhelpful patterns of behavior towards myself.

After lunch and some anxiety medication (more related to the damned fireworks than the painting), I am starting to feel better. I'm still having to scale back, rein myself in, do less. I keep wanting to do more, having the feeling that I'm running out of time… something. I don't think it's really a mortality-realization thing, more like I stayed at home to rest and recuperate, but I should also be accomplishing all these things while I'm without distractions and responsibilities. Just a lot of "tsk tsk" inner-critical-parent talk.

I am also experiencing feelings of sadness, feeling bummed out about the slow progress with the lungs and leg, biting off more than I can chew (literally - I may have bought a bunch of food to cook up that I can neither cook in time nor eat), etc. Maybe try sitting with that a trying to RAIN (recognize, allow, investigate, nurture). Then just do what feels right to do without worry about the 7 other things I "should" be doing. Allow that I must be slower right now for health reasons. It's the whole purpose for staying back from the lovely yearly Seattle trip.

Trying for gentleness & respect at the moment…