I am experiencing large anxiety today. My mind is really putting in the effort trying to spiral out of control into a full panic attack. It's a very frustrating and frightening place to be in, especially given the effort and time I've put in trying to move in a different direction, acknowledge whatever issues are happening, take care of myself in the proper way. Today it really seems like none of that is working at all. I'm finding myself in the loop of distrust today as well - regarding my own senses and medical process in general (specifically medication). I'm really starting to doubt that the medicine is working. Why today and not yesterday? I don't know. My leg is still swelling & I have no idea when that is really supposed to stop, or if it is. I thought it would, but so many things are just sort of shrugs and "We'll see"s in the medical area. No doctors I've spoken with are in doubt that the medicine works… I guess I am looking for proof that isn't there, that will never be there, maybe. It's really disheartening to have spent the past 20 years trying to convince myself I was fine, only to discover that I'm really not. And trying to believe that what I'm doing now is going to correct this issue is also a tough pill to swallow today.

I'm trying to remember that today is a struggle and tomorrow could be (and likely will be) something different, but it sucks today.